Louisville Vegan Jerky Co. and Their Bits

Last week I was knee deep in very important internet research (fine, I was on Reddit while procrastinating on moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer) when a word caught my eye.

Bacon.

Normally this wouldn’t phase me as anyone who has spent more than six seconds on Reddit knows that bacon, cats and strangely enough, Nicholas Cage are words that you’re going to see thrown around like confetti when the ball drops on New Years. It was the word that came before Reddit’s animal product of worship that actually made me stop and pay attention.

Vegan.

As it turned out, The Louisville Vegan Jerky Co. was sending the first 20 people who responded an advance sample of a new vegan bacon product that they were going to be releasing in a couple of months like some soy based, smoky faux meat Willy Wonkas. Already the purveyors of three types of soy based jerky with flavors like Bourbon Smoked Spicy Chipotle and Sriracha Maple, I hopped on that offer like the Three Amigos hopped on their horses.

 I wanted my vegan bacon Golden Ticket. I was gonna ride that glass elevator of smoky deliciousness to the freaking moon.

The minute this puppy showed up I tore into it and held it to my nose like a sommelier taking in the sophisticated bouquet of a rich Merlot. I’m serious, I stood in my kitchen huffing it like a delinquent. It smelled both mapley sweet and satisfyingly smoky, promising all the complexity of bacon with none of the saturated fat or cruelty of its muse.

After about a nanosecond of deliberation I decided that these bits were about to get a one-way ticket to baked potato town.

With just a drizzle of some cashew based cheddar, vegan sour cream and a sprinkle of fresh rosemary, I piled the potato high with the bacon bits, exited that the soybeans in the ingredients were not only non-GMO but the ingredients list was also locally sourced.

These were the best fake bacon bits I’ve ever had the pleasure of placing into my face. The texture was moist, almost jerky-like (which makes perfect sense considering their source) and the spice mix was spot on. I immediately began to dream of tossing them into a spinach salad or adding them into a tofu omelet. Really, it took everything I had not to just plop down on the couch and eat them straight from the bag while I watched Botched.

Did I say Botched? I meant Through the Wormhole. I was watching Through the Wormhole.

When these bad boys come out, I can promise you that I will be buying them immediately and often. Thank you Louisville Vegan Jerky Co!

To check out their non-GMO, gluten free jerky offerings and to watch for when this bacon hits the market, be sure to check out their website at http://www.louisvilleveganjerkycompany.com/

Build Your Own Veggie Pizza Night

After a long week and crazy holiday, the kids and I decided that a simple build-your-own pizza night was in order. 

Actually, I decided it. They're 4 and 3 and really have no say in these things.

Pizza is an easy crowd pleaser and gives me a chance to look like a super creative, Pinterest type of mom with truly minimal effort when I let everyone make their own. Plus, being in a vegan/omni blended household it gives everyone the chance to tailor their dinner to their likes and affords me the luxury of cooking one meal. 

Sold!

I'm fortunate in that my kids like most vegetables. A lot of it has to do with the fact that we've inundated them with veggies from the moment that they could eat and never officially took no for an answer when they said they didn't like something. We never forced it, but we'd wait a bit and then reintroduce the vegetable that was rejected again. Sometimes it took quite a few exposures, but eventually both of my kids got over any aversions they had and will eat almost anything. Except avocado. They both just hate it. I try to pretend that it doesn't cut a little piece of my soul out every time.

So with that green little object of monounsaturated lusciousness off of the toppings list, I set about prepping the veggies.

My son is a pepper burglar.

We all seem to agree on peppers of every color that we can afford (thank you Sprout's and your 4/$5 price on colored peppers!), tomatoes, mushrooms and onions. I need to be quick around here, as you can tell from the picture, if I actually want to get the toppings on the pizza before they disappear. I typically go with mushrooms that are already pre-sliced to speed things along and then I do a dicing technique for the onion that my mother taught me and now, through the wonders of the internet, I will teach you.

First and foremost, if you have the time to refrigerate your onion before slicing and dicing it, do. It will drastically reduce if not completely eliminate your sudden transformation into the Leave Britney Alone kid.

Room temperature Vidalias are sooooo ouchy

Next, cut the top of the onion off to make a flat surface and start scoring the onion with vertical cuts. Don't cut all the way through, you want the onion to stay together.

Add caption

Then, turn your onion so that the vertical slices are horizontal. Now, make vertical slices all over again so that the top of the onion starts to look like a checker board.

How closely you space the slices will decide how large or small your dice will be. Also, how deeply you go will dictate how much onion you end up with. Want half an onion? Only cut half of the way down with your slices. 

Once you've scored the top of the onion, put it up on its side and, being very careful to avoid your fingers, start slicing it from the top as if you were going to cut it into slices.

 

I like this because it's how I like my women. Easy and Fast. (....I really don't know why I just said that.)

With all of the veggies prepped, it was time to put the toppings on. I started everyone out with a pita as the crust because, you know, easy. I toasted them on a lo broil in the oven just until they were a little browned. Once the toppings go on, the pizza tends to end up a bit soggy if you avoid this step so I highly recommend it. Next, I put a little sauce on and then I let the kids loose.

All Top Chef Pizza Edition contestants need to start somewhere

The kids had a great time putting their toppings on, which became very serious business with each pepper and chunk of mushroom finding strategic placement on the surface of the pie. I took this opportunity of deep culinary concentration to top my own pizza.

So much better than store bought

I went with Daiya cheese on mine instead of nutritional yeast or cashew cheese because I'd recently tried the new Daiya Fire Roasted Vegetable pizza and was under impressed. Don't get me wrong, it was good. But the serving was too small for the calories investment to actually fill anyone up and the amount of veggies that actually came on the pizza were few and tiny. I know it makes me a whack job, but I like veggies on my veggie pizza. As I ate the thing my immediate thought was, "I can do better" causing me to think from that moment forward of the pre-made Daiya pizza as the bad ex-boyfriend of dinnertime selections.

I'm trying to keep the slightly charred part of the crust out of the picture

I put it under the broiler for a few minutes and just kept my eye on it. I wanted the Daiya to brown up a bit, but alas I kinda burned my crust a little on one side waiting for that to happen. Once the cheese starts to flatten out and melt together a bit, it's pretty much done. 

My son is super stoked in the background

I hate to be a know-it-all (haha, no I don't), but I have to say I was totally right. This pizza, filled with conveniences like jarred marinara sauce, a pita for crust, pre-sliced mushrooms and Daiya cheese, was way better than the boxed version and nearly as fast. Roasting the veggies ahead of time, making a homemade dough and using a truly premium sauce or vegan pesto would take this over the top, but I wanted something fast and effortless that the whole family would like. It not only fit that bill, but was thoroughly tasty too. My daughter is requesting that Build Your Own Veggie Pizza Night be a weekly thing and I'm perfectly happy to pencil that in!

Hot Dawg, Happy Independence Day!'

Today we celebrate the anniversary of our independence as a nation with liberty and justice for all.

 If I were any kind of proper patriot, I would have done an entire week on American food but as it turns out I will be capping my series today after three. I could genuinely have done a week on foods that have come to be known as truly representative of the land of the free. Everything from grilled corn on the cob to apple pie and "fried" chicken could have gotten a veganising and a shout out on this here blog but, well, I got the idea on Wednesday so you get three days instead of 5-7. It's all well and good anyway as I have a massive hankering for tacos and would like to try out a walnut taco filling recipe, so there you have it. Stay tuned.

The fourth of July is a day that is commonly observed with hot dogs on the grill and that marked no exception for us. Really, the hot dog has come to be synonymous with American when discussing regional cuisines, which is kinda strange considering that they're of German origin. Though there's some dispute over who developed the hot dog first, the frankfurter is said to have been invented in Germany back in 1487 while it wasn't until the 1800's that it began to gain traction in the states after its introduction by German immigrants (source). Today, one can't go to a baseball game or 4th of July celebration without seeing hot dogs on the menu, so completely has the little processed meat stick become woven into our national fabric.

You're a grand old combination of weird parts and mystery ingredients....

Which left an opportunity for vegetarians to come up with their own version, and come up with one they did. Or several, I should say. The first company to take up residence in the veggie dog market was Worthington Foods with their Veja-link back in 1949 (source) and since then brands like Tofurky, Yves, Lightlife, Veggie Patch and Morningstar Farms have thrown their weiner into the ring. (oh grow up....hee hee, weiner.)

Hey! Vegans want mystery sticks too!

 I've tried a fair amount of them and I'll be perfectly honest, none of them impress me a huge amount. For cookouts I tend to prefer my own, homemade Italian sausages. I've been making them for years using Julie Hasson's recipe from Everyday Dish. They grill, saute or nuke quite nicely and I have total control over what goes into them. Plus, their nutritional content kicks the shit out of a commercial veggie dog's when it comes to protein content. You will absolutely feel full after eating one of these.

But hot dogs were being grilled so I grabbed a pack of the least expensive vegan dogs on the shelf and trotted on home to talk about bald eagles and gun rights while whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy. You know, do American stuff.

As a kid, I thought it was "for witchit stands." Took me years to figure out that a witchit stand isn't a thing.

So, here you have it. This is an Yves Good Dog loaded down with ketchup, mustard, relish and tomatoes. A little fruit salad and some carrots rounded it out, along with a pickle that was as long as the entree itself. Nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering, but sometimes that's the way a meal is. A common misconception is that vegans have to spend a ton of time in the kitchen if they want to have anything to eat. The truth is, many vegans choose to do that because we know that we can cook something up ourselves that's far healthier and tastier than anything we're gonna find at the supermarket. But sometimes you just wanna throw $3 at a pack of Not Dogs and call it a day. Fast, efficient and tasty. 

It's the American Way.

Single Serving Mac and Cashew Cheese

Eeeeeveryone has a vegan mac and cheese recipe. Some are better than others, but for the most part they're all pretty good. From the incredible VegNews Mac and Cheese to the Mac Daddy from Veganomicon, vegan mac and cheese comes in many noochie, buttery, vegetably forms. Isn't it an exciting time to be alive?

It's so creamy and comforting!

For my second post in the American Foods series leading up to the Fourth of July, I couldn't think of another food that deserved a mention more than good old macaroni and cheese. No one really knows where it originated, though evidence suggests it likely started its life as a gooey casserole of joy in Northern Europe. According to Smithsonian Magazine, Thomsas Jefferson became quite enamored with it after a trip to France and even served it at a state dinner in 1802. (Smithsonian Mag) 

It's remained an American staple ever since and vegans everywhere have been tweeking and perfecting their collective recipes to make the ultimate creamy, cheesy, gooey, noodley, cruelty-free version around. I love making up a big batch of it from time to time so that I have leftovers for later, but let's get real here for a second. I don't always have time to make a big batch of anything. I'm the only vegan in my house and my kids are 3 and 4. My options, as are the options of many omni/vegan households, are to dirty every single pan in the kitchen whilst making two meals or come up with a way to streamline the process so everyone is happy.

I choose streamlining. Doing dishes pisses me off.

My version of mac and cheese is easy and can be made right along with whatever non-vegan version you're making for the rest of the family. It's especially easy if you happen to have some leftover noodles in the fridge, becoming as close to a vegan Easy Mac as you're currently going to find.

It all starts with cashew cheese. I always have a basic recipe of this in my fridge because it's fantastic on it's own and also dressed up. I use this recipe and then dress it up however I like. A favorite that everyone in the house can agree on is a maple version slathered on cinnamon raisin bread, but that's for another post altogether.

 

You start with a couple tablespoons of cashew cheese for your base and mix a couple more tablespoons of nutritional yeast, some sea salt, pepper and a tablespoon of Earth Balance. I had my blender handy so I tossed all of the ingredients in there, but you really can mix this by hand.  

Obligatory blender shot

Once smooth, just scoop the sauce onto your cooked noodles, using a rubber spatula to get all of that cheesy, saucy wonder out of the blender (or bowl if you're hand mixing).

Velvety smooooooth

Mix the noodles and sauce gently and voila.

Poor Kraft. You just can't measure up

Single Serving Mac and Cashew Cheese

Ingredients

1 cup dry noodles (elbows, spirals, shells, etc.)

2 Tbsp prepared cashew cheese

1 Tbsp Earth Balance or Smart Balance Spread

1-2 Tbsp nutritional yeast (I use more or less depending on how noochie I want it. It comes out almost like a white cheddar mac when you go easier on the nooch.)

1/2 tsp sea salt

dash of pepper

1 tbsp water or plain plant based milk (I used almond)

Directions

Cook noodles according to package directions. 

While noodles are cooking, place all remaining ingredients in a blender and blend until sauce is smooth. Can also mix by hand in a bowl, but sauce might be a bit grainier.

Pour over hot noodles and mix. Enjoy

Variation

Put cashew cheese, salt, pepper and plant milk/water in a bowl and mix by hand. 

If using left over, cold noodles, add to bowl along with the Earth Balance.

Loosely cover bowl with a paper towel and microwave for about thirty seconds.

Carefully remove bowl and stir, incorporating ingredients.

Return to microwave and heat an additional 30-45 seconds. 

Stir again and enjoy.

I love this recipe just the way it is, but its simplicity makes it a perfect template for jazzing up. Some sauteed greens with a splash of sriracha, vegan hot dogs, peas or a dash of taco seasoning all make fantastic combos. Given that this post is part of a series of foods dedicated to our red, white and blue proclivities however, I decided to dress it up in a manner fit for the states.

Mac and cheese and bacon? I could run for president.

I sprinkled a little J&D's bacon salt over the top, giving it a wonderful smokiness and color. If you're unfamiliar with this product, I went into some details about it here. I have an update about it too. There were some questions about whether or not this was a vegan product. The company chose not to list it as vegan due to its shared space in the factory with items containing eggs and dairy and not because it contained any animal products, so I chose to use it instead of throwing it away. They now, however, have a product that they are labeling as vegan here. It's worth giving a try.

The lycopene makes this a health food now, right?

The finished product got a pretty little sprinkle of tomatoes and that was the last anyone ever saw of this bowl of mac and cheese. God Bless America.

Proud to Be American, Where At Least I Know I'm Green

In honor of the birth of our nation and the American tradition of celebrating such a milestone by blowing shit up and cramming grease into our faces, I have decided that for the next couple of days I will be dedicating this blog to food representative of the U.S of A.

We're a quiet, humble people

I think it's apparent by now to anyone who's read my blog that I enjoy vegan food. I enjoy the fuck out of it. I don't limit myself much, my mantra in life is, "If it's vegan, I eat it." I have the utmost respect for those who keep the processed foods, analogues, snack foods, soy and/or gluten products down or completely out of their diet. Hell, I wish I could be just like them. Goodness only knows I wouldn't be slapping that extra 15lbs of belly and thigh jiggle in the mirror every morning before squeezing myself into a pair of Spanx on a hot Summer day to go to a birthday party where I surreptitiously try to hide the fact that I need to keep pulling said Spanx up lest they start to roll down to reveal my gut in all of its doughy glory.

But, alas, I enjoy a vast variety of vegan foods and our first item up for exploration today is my all time favorite. I love this restaurant and the menu item that I indulged in SO much that I almost contemplated saving it for last in my American Food Series but I can't. I wanted it today and I'm blogging about it today. So there.

I'm extremely fortunate to live in Tempe, AZ which can boast the original location of Green New American Vegetarian. Now a chain of 2 (there's a second location in Phoenix) and their sister coffee shop Nami, Green is the place to be if you're a vegan who wants a little comfort food in the Valley of the Sun. With menu items like "Crab" Puffs and Eggless rolls, Mac and Cheez and the ridiculously delicious No Harm Chicken Parm Po Boy you are in for a decadent treat before I even start in on the genius that is their tsoynami. (I will start in on those though. Those things are bomb.)

Upon arrival today I found the place hoppin', like always.

Full tables and a line at the register. Just a typical Wednesday lunch hour

I waited my turn and placed my order for the Big Wac with thyme fries, trying not to salivate directly in front of the angel who would be sending my order back to the benevolent gods of vegan delectability shinning brightly in their kitchen Olympus.

Pretty sure he made my lunch today

The Big Wac is Green's take on a certain fast food chain's double stack burger. You know, the one with 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun? The one hawked by a not at all scary or child molester reminiscent clown with a blood red fro and creepy grin?

Is it the Big Mic?

Their version is, of course, vegan and thusly 2 million percent better than the entree that inspired it. With 2 hand packed veggie burgers, vegan cheese and vegan special sauce teaming up with the pickles and onions on a sesame seed bun, this enormous bad boy will have you never dreaming about the bygone days when you didn't know fast food was horrid in every way.

I mean, look at it! It's beautiful!

Coupled with the shoe string thin, crispy and flavorful thyme fries, you honestly won't mind spending the extra five minutes to go inside for this baby instead of hitting up a drive-thru. It's even quicker if you have them on speed dial like I do so you can order it on your way over. 

You think I'm joking.

I'm not

I insisted that I would never be able to eat the entire thing and begged my husband to share it with me.

Cross section exhibit of our specimen reveals that the inner layers are made of pure awesome

He didn't. Largely because I ate the whole thing with no problems and took a few bites of the oatmeal cookie sandwich that I impulse bought at the register as it beckoned to me along side its other vegan treat cohorts.

Eat us. We're cruelty freeeeee. We're amaaaaaazing....

If there's a heaven, it has a Green

This thing is insanely good, so good that I've made special trips for it before. Having said that, I was knee deep in it before I realized that the tsoynami of the day was the Agent Cooper and I about burst into tears.

Dairy Queen? More like, Dairy Hood Rat

A tsoynami is a made-fresh-daily soy soft serve (or as they say, tsoft tserve) base that is then mixed with a bunch of amazing items to create blizzard-like concoctions for those hot summer days when you want a frozen treat. Or the cold winter ones. Really, I want these all the time. 

The Agent Cooper today was a mix of black cherries, vanilla wafers and whip topping meant to illicit the comforting feelings of cherry pie served at the Double R with a steaming cup of hot black Joe. I can hear a waterfall in the background. And owls. They're not what they seem, you know.

Thank you Green for always being there when I need a comforting, hearty, delicious fix of vegan-y goodness. No one does it quite like you.

Vegan Grilled Brie and Pear Sandwich

I don't shop at Whole Foods very often. Don't get me wrong, I love Whole Foods in a completely non-platonic way. I love the smell of the spicy, handmade soaps and the bountiful produce section. I love that I can grab a juice while perusing the bakery section, seeing a selection of vegan donuts and cookies to obsess about for later. Or right that minute, who am I kidding? If I get there early enough for any of their vegan donuts to be left I snap one of those bitches up.

I sometimes imagine them sitting in there and singing "I Feel Pretty." I'm a weirdo

It's just, well, I'm economically restricted. In lay terms, I'm broke as a joke.

To be fair, I'm being a touch hyperbolic, but the sentiment is honest. I have two kids and work only two days a week currently as the cost of day care would render my job superfluous. My 70-year-old mother in law is kind enough to take up the slack for days when my schedule overlaps with my husband, which means she only usually ever has to watch them once per week. This leaves us doing a bit more coupon clipping and big box grocery shopping these days, but it means that I get to stay mostly home with my goofballs and for that I'm eternally grateful.

So you understand that when we were given a $75 Whole Foods gift certificate I dashed up there with the theme song to Chariot's of Fire running through my head, my imagination producing a movie of me sprinting through the store with a cart in slow motion, throwing all of the delectable shit that I could usually never afford into my cart with reckless abandon.

Those vegan donuts made it in there. I assure you.

Another item that went in was a vegan cheese I'd been eyeballing for about a month.

It looks all gourmet and shit

I normally make my own cheeses using things like cashews, nutritional yeast and other fabulous, umami providing ingredients. I'm totally down with this as I'm torn on Daiya and really dislike the other commercially made alternatives I've tried. But this stuff seemed different. Special. Artisan. It's also $15 a pop. Seeing as how I can make about 4 batches of cashew cheese for that amount, I always stroked it longingly on my rare trips to visit it and walked right on by.

Until I got a gift certificate and saw fit to buy all of the shit I usually can't afford.

I got it home and tore it open, beyond intrigued with what it would look and taste like.

Doctor! We need Triscuits stat!

It looked and felt exactly like brie cheese, which had me immediately deciding that its maiden voyage into my belly would be a grilled brie and pear sandwich.

I'm pretty sure that most of the people reading this will have had some experience with making a grilled cheese sandwich. Grease bread, add middle stuff, cook, flip, cook, TADA! It's the ingredients that make one person's grilled cheese different from the next guy's. For this incarnation, I used some Smart Balance spread on two pieces of Alvarado St. bread and went to work on a preheated cast iron skillet. I added very thin slices of pear to the bread first.

I'm gonna go on record right here and say that doing it this way left the pears warm but still crisp in the finished product, which was nice, but I think that I'll grill the pears up a bit first when I make this again. A softer, sweeter pear layer would probably bring the flavors of the cheese out a bit more and add a more interesting component to the dish. Maybe I'll even pre-soak them in some brandy or Jamison first too. Hmmmm.....

Here's what it looks like sliced.

I wanted to see if the cheese would melt a bit when heated and so I sliced it and left it like this for the cooking process. Once cooked, the cheese was warm and pleasantly mushy but it didn't melt per se. I've since found that if you spread it out a bit before cooking it will yield a more "melted" consistency for your finished product. It spreads very easily as the cheese is quite soft so pre-spreading it really isn't an issue.

Crispy, gooey, sweet and savory.

The finished product was awesome. The cheese is very mild, so mild that if mixed with a lot of ingredients it will easily get lost in the other flavors, so it's best in simpler recipes. Having said that, it is the most realistic non dairy cheese I've ever tasted. It had all of the cheese flavor with no psychologically damaging after taste (Do you remember the pizza night of 2005, Follow Your Heart? Do you??). Seriously, I'm going to put this out with crackers at Christmas and Thanksgiving and I guarantee that no one will know it isn't a real artisan cheese. Yeah, Kite Hill White Alder!

Now, where's my whiskey...

Portobacon.

Most people, when faced with the exciting prospect of having a sleeve of portobello mushrooms all to themselves, will ponder the endless ways they could be put to use.

 I heart you Costco.

You see, you can marinate and grill them or chop them up to eat them raw or saute them to make Seitan Portobello Stroganoff. The healthy, hearty uses for these fungi fun guys (I'm not even gonna apologize for that one. That was hilarious.) are endless. They're nutritional powerhouses with their richness in selenium, copper and niacin all while being low calorie and fat free.

Naturally, I chose to make bacon out of them.

In re-reading my bacon post from a few days ago I realized that a lot of my bacon alternatives have soy in them. Couple that with the fact that I use soy in other places throughout the day and you've got, well, a lot of soy. I'm kind of a fan of the "everything in moderation" approach, and so I don't demonize soy but I also think that if you start the day with tempeh bacon and a tofu omelet, hit up some Chipotle sofritos for lunch and then heap a dollop of Tofutti sour cream on your dinner you may be overdoing it. These are NOT soy free either in that there is some soy sauce in the marinade, but in an effort to start leaning away from a dependence on everything soy for my day to day dining decisions I think they're a good start.

So, Portobello Bacon came to be the topper of choice on my baked potato.

The key to making these super yummy is to slice the mushroom cap into the thinnest possible slices. I mean, I want Calista Flockheart width slices here. The thicker the slice, the meatier the result will be, which isn't unpleasant by any means, but it isn't as bacon reminiscent as you're going to desire.

Once sliced, I placed the mushrooms in a Ziplock baggy with a marinade, flipping the bag from time to time in my refrigerator to make sure all of the mushroom slices had equal bathing time.

Portobello Mushroom Bacon

Ingredients
1 portobello mushroom cap
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp vegan worcestershire sauce
1 tsp liquid smoke
1 tsp ketchup
1 tsp maple syrup
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp onion powder

Directions

Slice mushroom into the thinnest possible slices.

Place all ingredients into a small bowl and cover or a Ziplock sandwich bag and seal.

Place in refrigerator and allow mushroom to marinate for at least an hour, stirring carefully or flipping the bag a time or too take make sure mushrooms get evenly marinated.

Heat a very thin coating of oil over medium low heat in a cast iron or nonstick skillet. (I used about a tsp of coconut oil).

Add marinated mushrooms, being careful not to crowd them in the pan. Allow them to cook for a couple of minutes and then flip. Continue this until mushrooms achieve the desired level of crispiness, adding a little marinade as you go if they appear to be sticking to the pan.

Portobacon. It's sweeping the nation.

The whole point of making these was because I was craving a loaded baked potato and I didn't want it to be a soy bomb. Using the pub cheese that I made the other day, I topped a baked russet potato with steamed broccoli florets, pub cheese, Toffuti sour cream and my freshly browned up portobacon.

Get. In. My. Face.

You know how, like, you get all excited about something and then you take pictures of it from multiple angles like a tourist in your own kitchen?

This angle has a better view of the happiness in a jar. Oh, sorry, I mean the pub cheese.

I am obsessed with this and had it for dinner the next night as well. It was creamy, crispy, cheesy and broccoli-y. 

What? That is too a word.

Shit

We were on vacation for the last few days up in beautiful Show Low, Arizona and so I didn't have much of a chance to blog anything. I have some good recipes and fabulous insights coming your way once unpacking, laundry doing and the much needed vacation from my vacation takes place. I love my kids, but traveling with them makes me need a deep tissue massage.

Some whiskey wouldn't suck either.

My husband was on the same level of mental and physical exhaustion upon our arrival home and kindly set out to make us some green smoothies while I got the kids bathed and put to bed. I was almost done dressing them in their pjs when I heard the blender make a super weird noise, followed by silence, followed by him very calmly call my name.

I walked into the kitchen to see this.

In case you can't see it, yes it is INSIDE my cabinets.

I have to say, I wasn't even upset. This has to be one of the most impressive disasters I've ever seen.

As it turns out, if you feel that the lid to the blender is on tight enough and you walk away from it while it's on the smoothie cycle, you could find yourself across the room just in time to witness a fireworks display of semi blended liquid geysering from the top of your appliance once the lid shoots off like Augustus Gloop when he gets jammed into the chocolate tube in Willy Wonka and then blasted to the fudge room once the pressure building up beneath him reaches critical mass.

It looks like a Jackson Pollack painting

Ingredients
1 cup almond/coconut milk blend
2 apples
1/2 pineapple
1 cucumber
2 cups power greens
1 cup ice

Directions

Cut all items into chunks and place in blender, ice on top.

Place lid on blender in a half assed fashion and press smoothie button.

Wander away.

Look on in horror as the smoothie cycle starts and the lid shoots off.

Clean kitchen for 45 minutes.

Make another batch of smoothies and enjoy those.

Serves 1 kitchen wall, four cupboard doors, all of the plates and bowls in bottom shelf of nearest cabinet, kitchen ceiling, two sets of plantations shutters, kitchen window and front of dishwasher.

For The Love of God, Why?

Today at Sprout's I was lured in by the siren song of 60 calories for an entire package of supposed deliciousness for the price of $.99 and I found myself crashing into the rocks of awfulness that are the seaweed snacks I just attempted to consume.

Roasted. Seaweed. Teriyaki. Snack... all great words. How could it go so wrong?

Let me just say something about me for a second here. I love stuffing large quantities of food into my face with minimal calorie repercussions. Don't get me wrong, there have definitely been times when I've found myself scrapping the bottom of the coconut ice cream pint, my stomach already starting to hurt, as I ponder what angle I should tip the spoon to get into the crease of the container for that last little bit of melted wonderfulness.

It will happen again, too.

I do try, however, to limit those occasions as much as I humanly can and thusly I end up purchasing snack items that are low enough in calories for one serving so that when I inevitably run a train on 3 or 4 servings I don't have to feel so bad about it.

Looks promising. LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING!

Enter Sprout's Farmers Market Teriyaki Roasted Seaweed Snack Pack. Each serving was 30 calories and 2 grams of fat, which meant that if I ate the entire package comprising of 2 servings, it would only be a grand total of 60 calories and 4 grams of fat. That's great! The promise on the back of the package helped finalize the deal:

"Go ahead and enjoy as many as you want-

they deliver all the crunch without

the guilt." 

I didn't know it at the time, but the marketing team in charge of that little gem sat on a throne of lies.

I can still taste them...

I rushed home with my purchase and tore into it like Dudley Dursely with a Christmas Present. The snacks themselves were paper thin sheets of nori that had been roasted and seasoned. So far so good. I love veggie sushi and have even made wraps with nori using an idea I picked up from Alicia Silverstone in her book The Kind Diet. Nori and I are friends. We go way back.

So when I tell you that the flavor upon hitting my mouth was nothing short of hellacious, understand that half of the misery I was experiencing was utter shock at being so highly offended by something I was supposed to like. What the fuck had they done to this seaweed to make it so horrifying? It was so unbelievably fishy, while being extremely salty with a little after kick of cloyingly sweet that it was as if a sea serpent had done a salt scrub and then dipped its whole body in honey and then I came along and licked it. I licked the serpent.

 The bad combo punched me in the taste buds before grabbing me by the uvula as the texture went from the advertised crispy to a slimy goopiness that threatened not to be swallowable. I'm not kidding, I almost spit it out. There was no crunch. Only goo. 

An entire package of snacks at my disposal and I choked down one. Along with my tears. 

I would recommend that you don't buy these. Don't even look at them. They may have the power to melt your face like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc.