For The Love of God, Why?

Today at Sprout's I was lured in by the siren song of 60 calories for an entire package of supposed deliciousness for the price of $.99 and I found myself crashing into the rocks of awfulness that are the seaweed snacks I just attempted to consume.

Roasted. Seaweed. Teriyaki. Snack... all great words. How could it go so wrong?

Let me just say something about me for a second here. I love stuffing large quantities of food into my face with minimal calorie repercussions. Don't get me wrong, there have definitely been times when I've found myself scrapping the bottom of the coconut ice cream pint, my stomach already starting to hurt, as I ponder what angle I should tip the spoon to get into the crease of the container for that last little bit of melted wonderfulness.

It will happen again, too.

I do try, however, to limit those occasions as much as I humanly can and thusly I end up purchasing snack items that are low enough in calories for one serving so that when I inevitably run a train on 3 or 4 servings I don't have to feel so bad about it.

Looks promising. LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING!

Enter Sprout's Farmers Market Teriyaki Roasted Seaweed Snack Pack. Each serving was 30 calories and 2 grams of fat, which meant that if I ate the entire package comprising of 2 servings, it would only be a grand total of 60 calories and 4 grams of fat. That's great! The promise on the back of the package helped finalize the deal:

"Go ahead and enjoy as many as you want-

they deliver all the crunch without

the guilt." 

I didn't know it at the time, but the marketing team in charge of that little gem sat on a throne of lies.

I can still taste them...

I rushed home with my purchase and tore into it like Dudley Dursely with a Christmas Present. The snacks themselves were paper thin sheets of nori that had been roasted and seasoned. So far so good. I love veggie sushi and have even made wraps with nori using an idea I picked up from Alicia Silverstone in her book The Kind Diet. Nori and I are friends. We go way back.

So when I tell you that the flavor upon hitting my mouth was nothing short of hellacious, understand that half of the misery I was experiencing was utter shock at being so highly offended by something I was supposed to like. What the fuck had they done to this seaweed to make it so horrifying? It was so unbelievably fishy, while being extremely salty with a little after kick of cloyingly sweet that it was as if a sea serpent had done a salt scrub and then dipped its whole body in honey and then I came along and licked it. I licked the serpent.

 The bad combo punched me in the taste buds before grabbing me by the uvula as the texture went from the advertised crispy to a slimy goopiness that threatened not to be swallowable. I'm not kidding, I almost spit it out. There was no crunch. Only goo. 

An entire package of snacks at my disposal and I choked down one. Along with my tears. 

I would recommend that you don't buy these. Don't even look at them. They may have the power to melt your face like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc.